If I Were The Internet

I wanted to find something a bit entertaining for today’s blog because it is Friday and we are all tired.  At least I am.  I came across a very funny video on the TED talks which makes fun of the internet. 

In this video, storyteller and poet Rives recites his poem “If I controlled the internet”. Rives is the star of the new Bravo special “Ironic Ironic America”.  He is a regular on HBO’s Def Poetry Jam and he was one of the co-hosts of the 2009 TED@PalmSprings conference.

Rive’s Poem:  If I Controlled the Internet

 I found the first part of the lyrics and cut and pasted them here for your convenience:

(Source: http://manyeyes.alphaworks.ibm.com/manyeyes/datasets/rives-if-i-controlled-the-internet/versions/1.txt) 

If I controlled the internet?
You could auction your broken heart on Ebay
Take the money, go to Amazon,
Buy a phonebook for a country you%u2019ve never been to
Call folks at random until you find someone
who flirts really well in a foreign language

If I were in charge of the internet
You could Mapquest your lover%u2019s moodswings
Hang left at cranky
Right at preoccupied
U turn on silent treatment
All the way back to tongue kissing and good lovin%u2019
You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection
Some days I%u2019m as shallow as a backing pan
But I still stretch miles in all directions

If I own the internet
Napster Monster and Friendster-dot-com would be one big website
That way you could listen to cool music while you pretend to look for a job
and you%u2019re really just chatting with your palls,

Heck if I ran the web
You could email dead people
They would not email you back
But you%u2019d get an automated reply
Their name in your inbox
It%u2019s all you wanted anyway
And a message saying: %u2018Hey, it%u2019s me. I miss you.%u2019
Listen you%u2019ll see, being dead is dandy.

Now you go back to raising kids
And waging peace
And craving candy
If I designed the internet
Childhood-dot-com would be a loop
Of a boy
In an orchard
With a ski pole for a sword
Trashcan lid for a shield, shouting
‘I am the emperor of oranges’
‘I am the emperor of oranges’
‘I am the emperor of oranges’
Now follow me OK

Grandma-dot-com would be a recipe for biscuits and spit bath instructions 1-2-3
That links with hot-diggity-dog-dot-com, that is my grandfather
They take you to gruff-ex-cop-on-his-fourth-marriage-dot-dad
He forms an attachment to kind-a-ditsy-but-still-sends-ginger-snatch-for-Christmas-dot-mom who
Downloads the boy in the orchard, the emperor of oranges who grows up to be

Me,
The guy who usually goes too far, so

If I were the emperor of the internet
I guess I’d still be mortal, huh?
But at that point I would probably already have
The lowest possible mortgage and the most enlarged possible penis, so
I would outlaw spam on my first day in office
I wouldn’t need it.
I’d be like some kind of internet genius.
And me,
I’d like to upgrade to deity and maybe
Just like that

(p-o-p)

I’d go wireless.

Huh.

Maybe google would hire this
So I could zip through your servers and firewalls like a virus
Until the worldwideweb is as wise as wild and as organised
As I think a modern day miracle-slash-oracle can get, but
Oooooooooo, you wanna bet just how whack and un-p.c. your Mac or PC's gonna be when I'm rockin'

hot-shit-hotshot-God-dot-net?

I guess it’s just like life

It’s not a question of if you can
Its, ‘Do ya?’
We can interfere with the interface
We can make you god hallelujah the national anthem of cyberspace every lucky time we logon
You don’t say a prayer
You don’t write a song
You don’t chant an ooooohm

You send one blessed email to
Whoever you’re thinking of
At
Dadeladatatatatatatadadeladedadeladedatatam-dot-com

Rives also has a number of other funny videos where he explores some humourous ideas through poetry and stories.  One is titled “The story of mixed emoticons”.   To Learn more about Rives and to see some of these other videos:

Full bio and more links

 

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